Gone but Not Forgotten
by carby101
Summary: My last fic - hoefully a good 'un. A stand alone - losing a child is never easy.


A/N: Well, I guess that I have to tell y'all that this is gonna be my last fic in a very long time. I've said it before, but then I came up with new ideas, but this is my last one. So anyways...thanks to ...everyone. I would name-drop here...but I've got way too many people to thank, but I guess you know if you're a thank-worthy person. So love to y'all xXx and please review! (oh and this is from Abby's POV - set 5 years from now)  
  
The minutes pass and I count each one. Maybe its my pessimistic attitude - but I can't help realising that as I sit still, I'm wasting minutes of my life. Its even possible that these are the same minutes that I'll wish to regain at the end of my life, I think about this, yet I do nothing. I lean back on the couch and let myself slip into the depths of depression, watching myself as I fall.  
  
Gently, I pull myself up onto my feet and walk slowly in the direction of the bathroom - where I know I can find all my answers. Trembling, I slide back a panel of the medicine cabinet and clutch a small bottle of aspirin tightly. Still shaking, I pour out the contents onto my palm and count out the pills. I count out the usual dosage and then I count out five more, and another five more. By the time I'm done - I've counted out the entire contents of the bottle and I'm about to swallow them when he walks in.  
  
He looks at the tears on my face and then glances down at the pills, looking dumbfounded. He walks slowly towards me and asks me,  
  
'Abby - have you taken any?'  
  
I don't answer him that time, or the second time.  
  
'Abby,' he says, 'Abby, please, have you taken anything?' there's something in his voice, something about it, that makes me shake my head. He sighs gently and puts his arms around me, holding me close. I feel the pills fall from my hands, as I cry against his chest. After a while I finish crying and I let him lead me back to the couch.  
  
'Can we talk?' he asks me.  
  
'Do we have to?' I ask him, helplessly.  
  
'I think we do.'  
  
'I don't think there's anything to talk about.'  
  
'There isn't?' he asks, with what sounds like humor in his voice.  
  
'No. I was depressed, John - we lost a child.'  
  
'Abby, I know that. I know that its hard to deal, but sometimes you have to.'  
  
'I don't think I can,' I say, as I shake my head, 'I don't think I want to.'  
  
***  
  
It was a tired afternoon, I had spent the day working shifts at the ER and I felt somewhat relaxed as I drove back home, with my two children in the car.  
  
'Mommy - Jess is being mean!' Ally, the younger of my two said, making puppy dog eyes at me, from the back of the car.  
  
'Jess, don't tease your little sister.'  
  
'I wasn't.'  
  
'Jess, look, just leave off. Okay?'  
  
'Fine. She said, sulking in the back. I turned around to look at her for one second and that was all it took. The other car came out of nowhere and I swerved violently in an attempt to avoid a head-on collision. The next thing I knew, I was lying in a hospital bed, my head pounding and with my husband watching on.  
  
'Abby,' he said and I noticed that at that moment, he looked sadder than I had ever seen him. There was this look in his eyes, so hurt and scared, that I had to ask him what was wrong. When he responded, my world began to fall apart,  
  
'Abby - you were in a really bad accident.'  
  
'But I've pulled through.'  
  
'Yeah - you did.'  
  
'So why the long face?'  
  
'Abby, Jess didn't make it.'  
  
I looked at him with a look of utmost horror in my eyes, blinking back the tears.  
  
'What about Ally?'  
  
'She's fine, a few scratches - but that's all.'  
  
His words echoed in my mind, my daughter was dead, my little angel.  
  
***  
  
And so we sit in an awkward silence, until I manage to look at him and tell him how sorry I am. I'm sorry for killing our daughter, I'm sorry for wanting to kill myself, I'm sorry for letting my family fall apart. He silences me and I lie comfortably against him for several minutes, until I realise that I should go check on Ally.  
  
She lies in her bed, pretending to sleep, yet keeping her eyes open.  
  
'Mommy,' she says to me, looking at me with her beautiful brown eyes, ' Mommy - is Jess watching us?' I pull the covers up to her chin and whisper softly,  
  
'Yes - I think she is. I think that if you're ever sad or lonely, she's going to be there, watching over you.'  
  
'Really?'  
  
'Yeah.'  
  
'Then losing my sister can't be all that bad, I get my own guardian angel.'  
  
'I guess you do.'  
  
I drag myself to bed, where I lie still against my husband's chest, listening to his rhythmic breathing until the early hours of the morning.  
  
***set a year later***  
  
Its been a year and although I still miss my daughter, I keep a special place in my heart for her. Its almost as though my heart has a special 'Jess corner.' I began to tell myself that I was allowed to be happy and so slowly I regained my happiness. I stand in the kitchen, making breakfast for my family and I smile wistfully to myself. I shout out to him,  
  
'Pancakes okay for you?'  
  
'Yeah - sounds great.' He shouts back, from his position on the couch, watching cartoons with his daughter. He pulls himself up, walks up behind me and puts his arms around me.  
  
'So how are you?' he whispers into my ear. I giggle as his breath tickles my neck.  
  
'I'm good,'  
  
'We're okay now - aren't we?'  
  
'Yeah - why wouldn't we be?'  
  
'Well, I was just thinking that things haven't been that great with us over the past year.'  
  
'Well what would you expect? But we're good now.'  
  
'So how about we go get a shower after we have breakfast.'  
  
'And let our daughter's mind be rotted away by those cartoons?'  
  
'I'm sure she'll be fine with that,' he says jokingly, taking my hands in his. I haven't felt this way in such a long time and it feels good, it feels like things are back to the way they should be. I don't cry any more at night, I don't need to - I'll always remember her, my daughter, gone but not forgotten. 


End file.
